My journey to convert to Buddhism

Utilizing my half uppercaste privilege to choose liberation and compassion and leave Hinduism once and for all

To be an intercaste person, especially with a uppercaste father and marginalized caste mother has been a complex journey for 32 years.

Not only does it severely impact family dynamics, but it creates a severe sense of isolation and identity crisis because our Indian society does not know what to do with intercaste people like me.

I guess Babasaheb forgot to mention somewhere in his speeches and writings that a day will come when Bahujan women will take agency of their own sexuality and bodily rights. And when that happens, all hell will break loose because Indian society will not know what to do with the product of such a union. You are canceled even before you’re born!

On the one hand, there is a demand that I “prove my untouchability” through a caste certificate (a tool that enables and ensures representation and access to healthcare, education, livelihood, housing, food, and drinking water) and through the typical torn-tattered physically abused dark-skinned imagery while on the other there is rejection from both communities because I’m neither a pure “untouchable” nor am I a pure “Brahman”. To be honest, Indian society because of its patriarchal nature, can never truly be free from caste even if we only consider intercaste marriages. For India to be a casteless democratic, I strongly believe that intercaste marriage AND religious conversion are essential but not specifically in that order.

It took me years to first recognize myself as an individual. Hinduism does not permit that. There is no place for an individual in Hinduism let alone a woman from a marginalized caste. It only thrives on oppression. “Maansaane mansaashi mansasaarkhe vaagave” (trnsl: a person should treat another person like a human being) is a saying that Hinduism has appropriated from the teachings of Sants of the Bhakti Movement. The proof lies in the fact that Hindu men only treat each other as humans but not their women, Dalits, Bahujans, Adivasis, or Vimukt people.

I had been contemplating converting to Buddhism since 2015 but took the time to read and understand the religion first before taking the step. Prof A F Mathew from Kozhikode helped me back then to understand the socio-political and economic consequences of conversion. I also learned that there are so many types of Buddhism and that only Navayana Buddhism allows one to look at Buddhism scientifically. I know that there are only two emotional outcomes to being an oppressed person within the Hindu intercaste marriage institution - you are either excessively angry (like me) or you are so unaware of your own self and feelings that you never assert yourself. All my life, my parents told me that I had anger issues, that I was a rebel, that I was a difficult and unconventional child, and that I must suppress all my emotions to be a “good person.” But I knew that it wasn’t just anger issues. What I felt was rage.

Rage against everything that my mother and I had been subjected to. Rage against the machine that is Hinduism. I realized that I could not reason out with any of the 33 crore gods for the disrespect and exclusion I was facing within my own household. My rage was more complex than just an angry tantrum that I don’t have an Apsara pencil.

After reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s book Anger (the very first Buddhist book by a foreign author I ever came across), I understood clearly that everything that was perceived as “wrong” about me had more to do with people’s unpleasantness and their inability to control me or put me in a particular box. And because I always rejected putting myself in these boxes and this controlling force, I was labeled as an “angry” person. No amount of counseling from teachers or nuns at school really helped my situation. The only time I would ever feel peaceful was when I prayed to Jesus or read verses from the Bible to try and justify the way my father treated me. As I grew older, even though my faith in Christ still remains unchanged, I realized that He did not have answers to the questions I was seeking. Questions like “what is the point of living? What is the point of life? It is not worth living, so why am I still alive? etc etc”

But after investing enough time in reading more of Ambedkar’s books, I learned that Buddhism is the only religion that allows for scientific reasoning while also answering these questions about existence and living. Although the Four Noble Truths talk about suffering, at least I am not suffering and suffocating in Navayana Buddhism as I was when I was a Hindu. Like Babasaheb himself, I too can question and logically analyze Buddha’s teaching about sorrow, meditation, life, existence, violence, anger, and more. In return, Buddha does not expect me to break coconuts, spend money on flowers, or pour milk and honey on him. Instead, he simply expects me to learn and challenge myself, to voice my anger in a way that is assertive yet respectful, to be kind to others and even to myself, and to treat everyone equally. I believe that the purpose of religion should be to practice and propagate empathy, equality, respect, and liberty.

In Hinduism, if one does certain things like feeding the Brahman (this concept always reminds me of how people in the US stuff turkey for Thanksgiving), donating to a temple, and some other jhingbang illogical traditional practices, it is said that one attains Moksha or liberation. What is the use of attaining liberation after one is dead? That’s not liberation at all! After one is dead, one is either bird food, fish food, compost, or a pollutant in the air/river. How can one experience liberation if one doesn’t even exist? True happiness, joy, and liberation can only be achieved when we are alive, when we are kind and loving to each other, and when we treat each other with respect. No Ganpati and no Balaji teach these things. The Bhagvad Gita is just filled with violence, the Mahabharat is just a massive clusterfuck or flustercucks where every man is making everything around him pregnant, and the Ramayna is just wicked.

October 2022 when I returned from Germany, was when I made up my mind to finally convert. It took me 7 long painful years to finally push myself. I am done being treated like filth by everyone. I am done being canceled, I am done being disrespected and dehumanized, and I’m done being controlled and manipulated into thinking I do not deserve to live as an intercaste person. 9th February 2023 was the day I broke all the chains and set myself free. I feel immense relief, gratitude, and liberation. I can breathe!

Ambedkar rightly said that “To talk of annihilating caste is like talking of changing poison into amrut. So long as we remain in Hinduism, which teaches a man to treat others like a leper, the sense of discrimination on account of caste, which is the basis of Hinduism, cannot go. For annihilating caste and untouchability, a change of religion is the only antidote.”

Social structures like caste, gender, race, class, and community always determine power relations within marriages and other intimate relationships. Although children born in inter-caste families acquire the legal and social status of the father because of the patriarchal mindset, it is not necessary that they reap all the benefits and privileges. Marriages between Dalits and non-Dalits are contested in our society and are perceived as a form of Dalit assertion. Education and reservation quotas are considered one of the reasons for inter-caste marriages. However, a marginalized caste woman who marries a man from another caste is considered impure and an economic burden on her family. The local community and caste panchayats hold much more power over them than the law of the state.

From all the anticaste literature that I have read so far, I understand that the idea of inter-caste marriage is a significant solution to the caste question. Contemporary Dalit ideology promotes inter-caste marriage to subvert caste endogamy which is a central tenet of Hinduism. But not all inter-caste marriages take place in the spirit of Ambedkar’s views, as expressed in Annihilation of Caste. While many Dalit ideologues promote and practice intercaste marriage, Dalit women find it difficult to attain and maintain the status of wife with an uppercaste man. It is common to find educated Dalit women who have been sexually exploited by uppercaste men but rejected for marriage. Hence, the question of conversion comes to play. Even if we consider intercaste AND interfaith marriage, if the man is Hindu, the woman from any marginalized caste can never expect to be treated as a human being. So is it wise to expect equality, liberation, and respect by remaining in the Hindu religion? The Brahmanical patriarchy at play within the institute of such a marriage will prevent the woman from being successful in her efforts to bring equality. And that is why I believe that the path of conversion is not only simpler but necessary and more effective.

It is one thing to simply read anticaste literature but a whole other thing to truly follow Babashaeb’s footsteps. I, too, was born a Hindu, but will not die a Hindu.

Jai Bhim!

I hope you enjoyed reading this week’s newsletter. See you next Wednesday with another post. Till then, take care, eat well, hydrate, and read Ambedkar as always.